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Lived and unlived twin identities

jn-haas

The main topic during our twins journey was the roles of identities as twins. Since we didn't know who we were without each other for a long time and only saw ourselves as a twin unit and lived that way, it was not possible to perceive our own identity. Only when everyone began to come to terms with themselves we did realize how unconsciously we lived next to each other! We describe below what is actually meant by identity and what forms there are in twin existence from our point of view.


Identity– The Experience of the Unity of the Self

Definition of the identity theories of a person from psychoanalysis according to Sigmund Freud is seen as being unique and distinctive, both in one's own outlook and through the social environment. For the individual, identity represents the experience of the unity of the self.

Above all, the focus is on the self-reference, and with it a “feeling for oneself” in order to differentiate oneself from other people. When children, for example, perceive themselves for the first time and speak in the first person, this is the first expression to act according to their own inner drives and the feelings that come from themselves. Identity is therefore an expression of elementary needs.

With twins it's even more exciting. From the age of around three years baby twins then begin to understand that their counterpart is not their own self. Already in the mother's womb they sense the other twin, feel each other's organs such as arms, legs or mouth.

After being born and during the first few years, they explore each other, sucking each other's thumbs or squeezing each other's feet. They feel and sense the other twin and cannot distinguish whether it is themselves or the other. This only creates a limited demarcation. And because it's so cute to see two identical-looking babies next to each other, you dress them the same way.


Identity Unit instead of two Individuals

Of course it was the same with us. We dressed the same, always ate the same food and played with the same toys. If one of us cried, the other would cry cried along without really knowing why or from what feelings. “My twin is not feeling well and is crying, then I must feel the same way. So I cry with you.” For a long time there was no reference to the “I or Me” in linguistic usage. Everything was pronounced in the “We or Us” form.

“We like it this way or we don’t like it.” We prefer to read thisbook or put on this sweater.” In this way, we grew up into an identity unit, so to speak. There was no "I", always "we"! This common thread ran through kindergarten and school. We came together and we left together.

With a few exceptions, we always sat next to each other, were in the same sports club, got the same birthday presents and shared a room until we were 15 years old. We listened to the same music in the room and went to sleep at the same time when one of us turned off the light. This could only create a feeling of unity because there was no space in which everyone could explore their own needs and values. Family members and those around us only saw us as a unit. Although the family was able to tell us apart, in the end we were not the individuals Jessyca and Jennyfer, but always “The Twins”.


The Suppression of the true Self

Corresponding beliefs shape the unity of identity as twins from an early age. Sentences like: “Well, your sister or brother got a better grade than you” or, “But your sister or brother is nicer than you”. No matter what the constant comparison to the twin is, whether the twin is better behaved, more decent, tidier, quieter, at some point the twin only concentrates on the other one because it thinks that this is the only way I can get love and appreciation or parental recognition.

That's the only way it can be right. What truly happens is that the actual needs of both twins', their true being, which are very different from one another from the time of birth and even before, are suppressed. From early age they are not given the opportunity to express their true nature of being.


3 Identities of Twins

However, it doesn’t have to remain this way. From a meta-level perspective, we recognize three pathways in which twin identities develop from the described dynamics: a positively developed identity, a negatively developed identity, and a suppressed identity.


Positively Developed Identity

This is the ideal scenario. A positively developed identity emerges when twins recognize their inner desire for individuality at an early stage, such as during primary school years. This may manifest in one or both twins expressing a wish to be placed in separate classes or choosing distinct hairstyles. Such indicators need to be acknowledged and addressed so the unique needs of each twin can be met, allowing them to develop their independent identity.

By nurturing this individuality, the foundational trust in oneself is reinforced, affirming the validity of one’s own sense of self. This, in turn, facilitates the separation process between the twins. Ultimately, this pathway results in two individuals who can lead their lives autonomously and responsibly, both as individuals and as twins, appreciating their bond without compromising their independence.


Negatively Developed Identity

In contrast, a negatively developed identity is often accompanied by emotions such as anger, sadness, jealousy, or rejection toward the twin. This can occur when competition becomes so intense due to their similar personalities that the twins aspire to be anything but like the other. They may tolerate each other as adults but find they get along better the less contact they have or the farther apart they live.

When in the same space, tension arises because they were unable to express their individuality in childhood and were constantly compared. The other twin’s actions trigger unresolved emotional wounds, leading to conflicts. In extreme cases, twins may even cut ties entirely because the relationship feels burdensome. If one twin feels the other always takes something away, resents their success, or drains their energy, they may believe they can only develop an identity by severing physical and mental ties.

While this leads to the formation of an identity, it is a negative one, as it remains defined by the actions of the other twin. This, in our view, is the most damaging form of twinhood, as emotions such as anger and sadness persist in the subconscious, suppressed and unresolved. Even the mere thought of the twin triggers inner conflict.


Suppressed or Delayed Identity Formation

The third form of identity formation, suppressed or delayed identity, often arises in cases where social or familial circumstances are unstable. For example, frequent relocations or family separations may cause the twin relationship to become the sole constant in their lives, intensifying their bond. Twins may rely heavily on each other for support, comfort, and reassurance, strengthening their co-dependence and making separation nearly impossible.

This co-dependence might manifest as needing the twin to always be nearby or accessible, or insisting on equal achievements in sports, career, appearance, or income. When one twin deviates from this balance, feelings of jealousy and insecurity emerge because the sense of unity—“we’re twins, we’re one”—is disrupted. Forming opinions or making decisions becomes entirely reliant on the other twin’s perspective.

In some cases, twins may find it difficult to enter relationships with others because no one else seems to understand or fit into the close bond they share. Alternatively, they may only form relationships with other twins or individuals who can accommodate their unique dynamic.

While identity development occurs in this scenario, it is suppressed. However, the positive potential remains, provided there is a willingness to confront fears and limiting beliefs developed over the years.


Our Path to Individuality

Fortunately, we never reached a point of hatred toward each other. We realized we were trapped in a suppressed identity formation and needed to address issues like fear, jealousy, and competition. The question, “Who am I, and what does my individual identity look like?” grew louder over time, pushing us to examine whether our life choices—career paths, living arrangements, even clothing styles—were truly our own or influenced by the other twin.

Carrying limiting beliefs into adulthood, we became increasingly disconnected from ourselves, operating solely from a rational mindset, far removed from our hearts and intuition. For years, we functioned as a unified but stifling twin unit—secure yet restrictive. Thankfully, the desire for inner clarity drove us to sit down and have an honest conversation. This marked the beginning of each twin charting her own path.

For non-twins, this might seem trivial. For us, it was the greatest challenge we had ever faced. Small steps like making independent decisions, refraining from seeking the other’s approval, discovering personal preferences, and reducing daily contact were the first strides toward individuality.


Who Am I and Who Do I Want to Be?

The journey to self-discovery was turbulent yet liberating. Writing became a powerful tool, helping us articulate our feelings and aspirations. Through journaling, we began to see a clearer picture of who we wanted to be. Whether crafting autobiographies or reflecting on our twinhood, we delved into every aspect of our lives, rediscovering ourselves and envisioning unique identities.

The key was taking responsibility for ourselves. Only then could we uncover our distinctive and irreplaceable identities. Today, we live by the motto: Live and let live! We cherish our individuality and continue to learn from each other.

If you are exploring your twin identity and would like guidance, we offer not only writing techniques but also various practical exercises to support your journey. Feel free to reach out with questions or reflections inspired by this article.


Jennyfer & Jessyca



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